kest la vye

singing outside

i want to be part of a love story

all questions are rhetorical

until you start answering them

i love you thiiiiiiiiiiis much

i need you to take me there

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

i'm well-pitted against me

Doodles on Cocktail Napkins, by jgonzalez and myself, at Sauce, in NYC, on a june night

The H.M.S. Another Ship


Very much not a J

The a Chair, by jgonzalez

A fishplane.

omnipresent

The moon, gaudy and conspicuous,
gloating over her secrets
secretly spying on
midnight lovers,
giggling and naive.
Smiling her sordid sneer
waiting
with the mouth
of Alexander the Great
to consume the incautious couple.
who, believing themselves alone,
play, unabashed in their
tender, young, culpable love
while Artemis makes herself
common and cheap.

i dont know

and that
sums the whole damn thing up

how many seconds make a memory

five dollars on the bar
a rhetorical question
a biting retort
a studied, intentional lean

casting fractured light
chasing itself across your face
pushing boundaries

you are a shining beacon
sharp
in a sea of blurred drunken nights
a lone memory
surrounded by familiar, forgettable faces

midspringsnight dreams

serrated-edge leaves cut the sky into hand-held portions. i'll make the heavens more portable.
i'll take the blues more light. i'll serve them with cloud vapor garnished with fireflies in a birdsnest of stars.
why isnt sorrow as delicious as it seems? little butter-pats of misery that melt on the tongue? flavoring life lightly like night skies with tears?
i'll break open the fire-hydrant of laughter on summer's twilight night, pour warmth and liquid sun into puddles on the street, and splash and jump in every crystaline sparkle of life. and why not?
i love the bitter as well as the sweet. i love the pitiful and i love the exaulted.
i love anything that burns with life, singing their surroundings and never abandoning flame or fuel.

i am not the lightning on a dark night

i am just a list
of bones and muscles
synapses and
electric impulses

burning up

i'm firing warning shots into space
reminding the constellations that
i'm here
i'm on fire

water my soul with honey

I.
would caribbean pools
quell my fire?
i have earned the right
to burn.

II.
my fingers tap out the seconds
counting down in rhythm
until they can
feast
on your pulse.

III.
i want to lie down in your shadow
let the wet night air
pour over me
feel the darkness close against my skin
and be still free

IV.
there are no doubts,
aside from all of them.
i stand bold and proud
and tremulous
poised to devote
each and every tiny sparkling star ive found
for the sake of
the halo we create

V.
this magic must have been
hiding and secret
quietly growing strong
in the cool ponds of forgotten tears
in the deep caves
too far in
for the fear to reach

yo recuerdo sin vergüenza

i remember where i was standing
i remember how it felt

this is an old, old song
waiting for something deep enough
to fall into

i want to be part of a love story

the resounding echoes grow

move it

flutter and shine, boy

i make light of you
. wax and feathers
preen and melt
. for me

a rare moment of clarity

im always trying to wrap my heart
around razor-sharp boys
boys with jagged love
as though my bruiséd and bemuséd heart
could soften their edges
could protect their corners
could provide a shield.

we're all fools
one way or another.
at least i can see
my poison
on the table.

i dont have to believe in it to hope for it

stop signs
are all shouting
the same thing
at me
: my will heeds no warning.

i had a head-on collision
with your reflection
: i listened
to the suggestions
whispered
by my shadow
: without you
my memories
are worthless

a card borrowed from my past
but played
this time
from the other side
: what is there to be said?
and
if i knew
how i could i possibly say it all?

eschewing emotion / lost in space

avoiding attachment is freeing
no doubt
but i like attachment
id be lying if i said i didnt

so am i avoiding cuz im bold and brazen and freelikethewind and dont need nothin holdin me down thankyouverymuch?
or because im scared of hurting?
scared of being hurt?

dunno.

related story: being able to see both sides of every situation is kind of trying sometimes.

lo unico problema es...

no es la verdad.
la verdad es ...
sí, yo creo. y yo espero por el con todo mí corazón.

Have you ever noticed

that no is stronger than yes?

last week, i hurt

i mean, i
i just
i didnt do anything
i slept
i canceled my hair appointment
i skipped choir
i skipped dance
i skipped bastards
i barely read
i barely thought
all i did was hurt
and try not to cry at work.
and wouldnt talk to anyone about it
for fear of crying

im tearing up thinking about it

mom used to say im so melodramtic
i think
im just sensitive.
to myself. to others' pain. to pain i cause others?

but im also hurt.
and im also pissed.

and more than anything,
im scared
so scared

breaking up is a mind-fuck

for both parties

i dont want to be withdrawn. i dont want caution.

i will wear my hope
like a fiery mantle

like a burnished promise
bold and
unapologetic

i think im going to start wearing my worry beads

though i dont know what i think that will accomplish.

no! the day is NOT saved!

the day remains in great peril!

my feelings are all glitter and gold and tarnish

i feel like crying
but i dont even know why
over-wrought heart strings, maybe?
or maybe im just tired
of trying
of being tried

it's true. but it's a sad kind of truth.

it's a sad little strength.

ruminations

-when i go running, i dont wear my glasses, but i do wear my headphones. im like projectile-hellenkeller.

-when my social life is very rich, my teeth become more stained. also i become more cranky at work. a lackluster social calendar is too high a price for a life that doesnt need coffee.

this is not the first time, so i neednt confuse my heart

How long is long enough?
When does long-enough become too-long?
When does time impose its own definition?
When does time justify the heart's expectation?
Just what, exactly, do I think, I'm doing?
When was the last time I had an answer?

because anyone can put on a suit.

it's the effort
the attention to detail.
so hot.
ah, gee.
seriously
im a sucker for them.

these arent my ideas

but they cotton with my mindset

emotions have teeth

we cant stay here
.because ive grown old
and your true love
.has come a-calling

So you turn away
.from our false love
which to me
.was ever as good
as any real emotion
.wreaked from my heart
as a gift to a kindred soul

the solace of false love
.is real
the touch of false flesh
.is concrete

but we cant stay
.at your place
because the wind blows cold
and we cant stay here
.because ive grown old
and your true love
.has come a-calling

i make boys crazy / i attract crazy boys

either way, doesnt matter. the result is the same.

desire is not the moon

but the two are easily confused.

My Night Gave Rise to New Rule

If you have to cut dinner short
because of police action at your home
then you get to eat
the fortune cookie
right then.

No waiting for the end of the meal for you!
You might need this nugget of wisdom
very soon.

thimbleful thoughtful

Which is the important part?
The desire part? The being desired part?
The action?
Or just the thought of the action?
Which part is the part necessary for happiness?
Which part can one shed, and still have sufficient substance?
How important is the Other, when compared with the idea of an Other?

people are so afraid to touch strangers

I am listening to my memeories
I am humming to my thoughts
I am counting myself special

My mind is all
feathers and spangles
There are no soft spots
for lying down

I wonder
how feasible
is a new start
Some things are too important
to shed

i found this in my old notebook

well, not that old. last year, i guess.
how long have i been using paper to scream my tritest or meanest thoughts?
my whole life?
that's my guess.

i have a black belt

in flirting.


i wonder about my motivation.
always.

my normal is broken

drawing pictures of all my silly little flippant thoughts gives them unneccesary weight.
makes me feel better, more centered.... but also more silly and more crazy.
crazy like.... if one were normally to doodle this thought, it would have to be much more intensely felt than i am feeling it.
otherwise, man! i'd be torn apart by a million over-intense feelings.
and i'm not torn.
i'm pushing out the silly little thoughts into the ether,
so i can have my brain back to myself.

question me.

be my only answer.

my heart burns for you

not, um, entirely such a good thing, really?
actually, in the end, quite painful?

people have got their love metaphors all jacked up.
a better way to think of it might be something like:
"my heart reclines on a cloud and is served a warm fruit-based beverage .. for you."

the answer is Nothing

Nothing that needs reporting

Nature vs. Nurture

It can be both. Why not?

Pictured (poorly):
helices
the sea
a steppes-style flower
Ireland
1965 mustang
height
tomes
tattoo ft. aquatic life
eyes
music
magic

I Still Feel Guilty About My Ex

For reals.
When do I get to stop considering his feelings?

Ace

Am I winning?

what do you think youre doing

________________________________________

The Boy Who Doles Out The Good Times

The boy who doles out the good times
The peripheral nighttime vision
The perennial closing-time decision

I know his silhouette
wears a smoking halo
And I know this type of glittering,
gaudy, gypsy love.
Love which cannot see the day
Love which sunlight
does not acknowledge

And in this way I take him in
take him home
Wash his wounds with whiskey
Paint his body
in lipstick and blood
Paint him darker than
the omnipotent night

I give his body crescent moons
to light my own way
Carve my own radiance
on his form
I extract my joy from his veins

Is this just one more way
to be drunk?
One more escape?
Is this just one more type
of good time
he gives?

Uncertainty Principle

Mother, are you listening?
I'm very alone
and a little scared.

Mother, I don't know,
but I think I'm scared of
my heart.

Mother, do you understand
what I mean?
Could you have taught me
the lesson
that perfect love exists?

Mother, would you have
taught me
Never to settle
no matter what
the cost?

Mother, I have learned
about the uncertainty
of the world
on my own.

But, Mother, would you have
taught your daughter
that love is a constant?

Mother, oh, Mother,
are you listening?
I'm very alone
and more than a little scared.

read/watch/listen

Books I've Read This Year:
January:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Harriet Spies Again - Helen Ericson
The Phantom Tollbooth - Norton Juster
Galápagos - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Hostile Hospital - Lemony Snicket
February:
The Carnivorous Carnival - Lemony Snicket
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
March:
The Jungle Book - Rudyard Kipling
Wicked Lovely - Melissa Marr
April:
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - Jules Verne
The Secret Garden - Francis Hodgson Burnett
The Looking Glass Wars - Frank Beddor
Disappearing Moon Cafe - Sky Lee
May:
The Magician and His Nephew - CS Lewis
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis
The Horse and His Boy - CS Lewis
Price Caspian - CS Lewis
June:
Voyage of the Dawn Treader - CS Lewis
The Silver Chair - CS Lewis
Spyderwick (1) - Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi
The Last Battle - CS Lewis
August:
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
The Hundred Secret Senses - Amy Tan


Movies I've Watched This Year:
January:
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
February:
Mermaids
Back to the Future III
Hitch
Coraline
March:
Amelie
Pieces
Young Frankenstein
Labyrinth
April:
Logan's Run
June:
Tropic Thunder
Anchorman
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Old School
July:
House Bunny
August:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Books I've Listened To:
February:
Son of a Witch - Gregory Maguire
March:
The Odyssey - Homer
June:
Drowned Wednesday - Garth Nix
Cyrano de Bergerac - Edmond Rostand
1984 - George Orwell
July:
Wuthering Heights - Bronte

2008 Uberlist

Last year's Master To-Do List:

1. take donation to goodwill
2. do atlanta photo essay
3. get 35mm camera
4. wash car
5. vacuum car
6. keep gymbership current
7. make cat-toys for christmas (crocheted mice?)
8. clean out closet. with a seriousness. and a hard heart.
9. frog old ugly sweaters for yarn-harvest [this didnt work. but i did it]
10. send once piece of personal correspondence a month
11. photograph angels for christmas cards
12. make christmas cards in july
13. load dad's mp3 player [ringing success]
14. buy computer/laptop [done if you read "buy" as "aquire." and i do]
15. reorder cheques
16. knit ONE item from domiknitrix
17. send stacie a crafty care-package
18. make thom's gift
19. make spice jars
20. make pillow shams
21. get a sheet for bedskirt
22. finish alphaquilt
23. finish christian's quilt
24. see the shy side of 150 [so close, dammit!]
25. make and hang entry curtain
26. hang curtain-curtains
27. take trip to nyc
28. take trip to boston
29. move
30. get new (fabulous?) job
31. make stockings for grandmother [before feb 10]
32. make jams or something
33. compose/keep current craft tute book
34. write something on craft vs. consume
35. buy *con ticket early, ho!
36. see dentist
37. put photos in albums
38. grow strawberries..... jam?
39. finish picnic rug, dammit
40. take GRE, slacker! you think youre so smart -> prove it!
41. paint mini tattoo canvases
42. start a blog dont tell anyone
43. sell unusual black shoes on ebay
44. clean photos out of camera
45. photograph progress and print photos for craftbook
46. transcribe poems into blank journal (highschool!!!)
47. make jenn's pj shorts
48. go to hexxt with tom
49. go to see rai at bcb
50. learn to play tom's guitar [he smashed it. still a no, though]
51. come up with draft-stopper plan for windows [woot, dad!]
52. buy vermouth
53. make olivetinis
54. clean out cupboard
55. clean out "living room"
56. go to the high
57. get oil changed
58. be happy
59. do allergy-shot research
60. finish christian costa rica painting [i did hang it though. it's, um, abstract?]
61. recaulk tub
62. sand/putty holes in bathroom
63. get sandpaper back from alex
64. call instyle and fixit!
65. make dress from long-flowerdy dress
66. spend less money on eating out
67. visit ginny and linda
68. learn about presidential candidates
69. vote [what what]
70. get new rug
71. take old rug to goodwill
72. flip mattress [thats a good idea]
73. put money in savings each month
74. clean out fridge with tom
75. finish t-shirt quilt [is this on here twice?]
76. go to ben's gamenight at least once
77. go draw with lauren at least 2/3 of times she asks
78. clean out bottom drawer/move cardboard dresser stuff in there
79. clean out wardrobe
80. get proofs back from lauren
81. get cuter casual tops
82. pull and toss dead plants [ha! more are just gonna die!]
83. evaluate and store (if neccesary) dried chives
84. have a craft night with jenn
85. pay back jimmie and sarah
86. transfer patches to new black hoodie
87. fix yellowfoam sculpture
88. finish yellowfoam sculpture
89. finish cat painting
90. mail (or something) cat painting
91. paint winged love on green jacket

ok. 44/91= 48%
so on the 90210 scale, that would make me a Kelly. Allow me to define:
Kelly: you accomplish a fair amount without much effort, then feel very impressed with yourself. It's annoying. Also, you're dull and nobody cares what you think.

Thank you, Nikol, for all the awesome dayplanners which include funny things like 90210-scales.
I'm sorry I got an iphone and didnt buy a planner this year. It's not cuz I don't love you... I've just moved on. I'm sure you'll understand.