eschewing emotion / lost in space

avoiding attachment is freeing
no doubt
but i like attachment
id be lying if i said i didnt

so am i avoiding cuz im bold and brazen and freelikethewind and dont need nothin holdin me down thankyouverymuch?
or because im scared of hurting?
scared of being hurt?

dunno.

related story: being able to see both sides of every situation is kind of trying sometimes.

lo unico problema es...

no es la verdad.
la verdad es ...
sí, yo creo. y yo espero por el con todo mí corazón.

Have you ever noticed

that no is stronger than yes?

last week, i hurt

i mean, i
i just
i didnt do anything
i slept
i canceled my hair appointment
i skipped choir
i skipped dance
i skipped bastards
i barely read
i barely thought
all i did was hurt
and try not to cry at work.
and wouldnt talk to anyone about it
for fear of crying

im tearing up thinking about it

mom used to say im so melodramtic
i think
im just sensitive.
to myself. to others' pain. to pain i cause others?

but im also hurt.
and im also pissed.

and more than anything,
im scared
so scared

breaking up is a mind-fuck

for both parties

i dont want to be withdrawn. i dont want caution.

i will wear my hope
like a fiery mantle

like a burnished promise
bold and
unapologetic

i think im going to start wearing my worry beads

though i dont know what i think that will accomplish.